My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.