My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
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ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.