my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
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Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
🤭😂
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch