My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
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me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I hope this email finds you in a well
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball