My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied