My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
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[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me too, bag. Me too….
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I saw this ending much differently.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.