My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
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I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA