#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
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St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
😍😂🥰😂😍
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.