Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.