[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes