Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
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Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.