@MoistPork

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

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@drearydoug

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

@Darlainky

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

@Henry_3000

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

@Ivsy01

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

@coffeeandvinyl1

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

@audipenny

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

@DaddyJew

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

@BlindChow

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

@NathanBgood

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

@heatherlou_

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.