Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
You Might Also Like
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all