Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.


I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair


Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*


My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.


Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.


You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.


Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.


The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.


A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.