Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
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I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.