Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.