Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
My Guy
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.