Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Van Gone
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
When libraries troll their patrons.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…