Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
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Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.