Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

My boss called in sick of me

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?