[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
the noise i just made
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry