i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.