ME: Is this Babies R Us
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
ME: Get me your manager
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8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
GOD: How many animals left to make?
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.