@PammsyB

Nailed it!πŸ‘‡πŸ»πŸ€£πŸ€£πŸ˜†

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@Home_Halfway

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

@McFluffy537

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

@10InchesPlus

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

@fro_vo

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@Angibangie

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

@Rainbowbunee

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

@ScottLinnen

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

@IamJackBoot

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

@BobTheSuit

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.