Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
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“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Mad Max: Furry Road
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money