Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
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BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
True freaking story!
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.