Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
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I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.