Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
You Might Also Like
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”