Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.