Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Julian_Deane

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

@English_Channel

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

@TheHyyyype

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

@osoplain

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

@CornOnTheGoblin

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

@david8hughes

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

@yung__spider

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

@DrunjAF

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

@ClassicMegan

Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.

@Book_Krazy

WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.