Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries