Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

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Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.


Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice


[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything


ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!


I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone


[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]


To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.


hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up


Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.


WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.