*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
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Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
How can I say no to this ?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story