Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.