Namaste
You Might Also Like
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”