name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
You Might Also Like
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’m being attacked 😭
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.