Name another movie that mislead you?
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Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My blood type is b hungry.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!