Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.