Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad