Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
You Might Also Like
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Not helping
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on