named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
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These are my emotional support Pringles.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Thrilling chase underway
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.