@Kyle_Lippert

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

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@TheTweetOfGod

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

@GreenishDuck

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

@mlkef

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

@Home_Halfway

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

@PoodleSnarf

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

@garrydavenport

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats