Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
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genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.