When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
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Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Me: Oh phew!
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats