*names my little horse OneTrick*
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Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Note to self: I am a note
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult