Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
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What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.