Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
You Might Also Like
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.