[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
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Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Awesome parenting 😂
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..