*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
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I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night