Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
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toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum