Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
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I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Life with a cat in one tweet
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…