Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
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All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.