Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
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ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭