Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
only writing recipes in wordart from now on