Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
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Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready