Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Shortcut

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

OKAY DAD

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves