[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
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The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.