Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
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Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!