Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
estão todos miauvindo?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!