Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
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I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?